Celtic Engagement Rings

Irish Bathroom

Irish Bathroom

Your Life as a Dignified Young Man Part 1

You don't know what time it is, not even close, but it is still dark. There is a purple wine stain on the rug, and a smell that lingers like that of an old person. It's not death, though; that's far too dramatic. Because eventually, everyone will wake up, and the smell will still be there. It's like a chemistry experiment that went wrong and a gaseous cloud of vodka and Pabst Blue Ribbon has taken the life from the motionless forms strewn about the apartment floor. You spot an open cardboard box. The remaining slice of pizza has been lying untouched in the open air since the beginning of the night, to the point where the cheese is getting that stale, rigor mortis blue to it. And it looks damn tasty. That fact alone tells you everything you need to know about where you're at mentally.
You're not sure what revived you, but it isn't natural causes. If for natural causes, you would still be passed out with two peoples' coats and a mixture of Dorito shreds and empty, half-crushed cans as your blanket. Sheer instinct dictates your next move, emerging from your party cocoon and plodding towards the bathroom. The fact that you don't step on Tommy, Gina, the bottle of Absolut still under Gina's arm like a protected child, or the weird kid from NYU (everyone long ago stopped trying to figure out who at the party he knew) on your way to the bathroom is not mere good fortune. Good fortune is finding a still usable metro card in your coat pocket, or finding a taxi driver with equal number of vowels and consonants in their name. This maneuvering through an Irish graveyard is a miracle.
Your fortunes soon change. Seeing as he's still laying uncomfortably in the bath tub, snoring without rhythm, and his legs hanging over the side, your first inclination is to blame The Beav for the entire bathroom floor becoming a bedpan. The living room already proved that your nose works, but the bathroom literally shoves it in your face. Someone left their urine everywhere. You don't have any real evidence, but simply the fact that this kid is referred to as The Beav isn't going to help his cause. Bracing yourself on the frame of the door, you lean in as far as possible, keeping your feet in the hallway and turn the shower on. You grow a lazy smile, but are disappointed when The Beav doesn't even flinch as the water splatters his face and body, runs downhill on the folds of his shirt and gathers again below him before running to the drain. A few seconds later, you turn it off and walk back into the living room, forgetting entirely why you walked to the bathroom in the first place.
You observe the scene again, actually comprehending it this time. The song "That Smell" by Skynard comes to mind.
"Ooh, that smell ... bwah wah ... can't you smell that smell ..." you mumble. "Something something's ... mmmrhh ... around youuu." You end with a deep chuckle. You walk to the table by the window where the pizza sits. Chuck is laying under the table, curled around the base in the fetal position. His right hand, tucked under his chin, has a crudely wrapped bandage of toilet paper or paper towels around it, and blood is soaking through. You can't picture it, but you know that this is from earlier when he punched through something for the sake of punching through it. No wait ... there was a point. Fuck ... why'd he do that?
You nudge Chuck with your foot as you lift up the last slice of pizza. "Chuck, why'd you do it? You can tell me, man." He doesn't wake up, but he does groan as his tongue flops out and sits between his lips. "I feel the same way about you, dick," you mutter with a laugh.
Then you remember. It was you. You told Chuck, no, you bet Chuck that he wouldn't punch through something, somewhere in the apartment. There was nothing to gain from the bet, mind you, but the word itself carries enough weight. That was enough for Chuck. Nobody insults Chuck's valor or constitution, and nobody was going to stop Chuck from proving that. So when you bet him that he wouldn't see his fist through some object, said object didn't have a prayer. It's a shame that there aren't more men with the unyielding spirit of Chuck. We should all try to be more like Chuck.
The window next to you is open, but it's a hot, summer night in Greenwich Village, and the chances of a breeze coming in are the same as the odds of Corey Haim's reality show spawning a career comeback. To put it another way, you wish there was a fan nearby. In the alley below, you see a stray cat hopping from garbage bag to garbage bag, and this gives you an incredible idea.
You hold the remaining half of the pizza out the window, the vertical crust hanging like a guillotine. You look at the pizza, and then look for the cat below. It's standing still, just under the window. Everything is coming together perfectly. You look at the hobbled slice, then the stray once more, and release -
It misses, landing harmlessly in the alley. The cat sniffs it and starts to nibble on the end. You feel like you've been outsmarted. You probably have been. Cats will do that to you, man. Fuck cats. You wish you had another slice to drop. You wish you had another slice, period.
"Chuck, if I can drink you under the table, don't say anything," you announce. A few moments pass. Chuck doesn't move. "That's what I thought, biotch." You get up and walk towards the front door of the apartment. Hunger is your lone motivation now. The mind is never as one-tracked as when you're drunk. You want another beer. You need to go to the bathroom. You want to eat more food. You need to find a bed. The thoughts never travel together, always single file, a laundry list. If only you always were so on point as you are now. But this doesn't bother you. Your mind is, of course, elsewhere.
"Fuckin ... pizza. Yeah."
You reach for the keys on the kitchen counter, sorting through them. It's useless; they're not yours, and you have no way to know which one goes to the apartment, or anything else for that matter. Fuck it. You shove them in your pocket and wander out of the apartment and into the night.
Come back next Friday to see how Your night ended. Then feel free to go out reenact it over the weekend. We know you'll do that anyway.

About the Author

Your Life as a Dignified Young Man
By Alex Strum

Irish Blessing $7.99 Irish Blessing

Irish Socks $9.99 Truly a cheerful treat for Irish feet?.socks with shamrocks, an Irish flag and the word Irish! Cotton and spandex.

Irish Blessing 8 Plate $22.99 Irish Blessing 8 Plate

Irish Blessing 4 Plate $11.99 Irish Blessing 4 Plate

Irish Dancer Bead $53 Irish Dancer Bead

Born Usa 100% Irish $59 Born Usa 100% Irish

Irish Cup Of Tea Bead $70 Irish Cup Of Tea Bead

Irish Mom Bead $31 Irish Mom Bead

Irish Soup Recipes Magnet $9.99 Irish Soup Recipes Magnet

Irish Cottage Bead $55 Irish Cottage Bead

Irish Stout Recipes Magnet $9.99 Irish Stout Recipes Magnet

Honey With Irish Cream Liqueur $7.99 Honey With Irish Cream Liqueur

Irish Tux Shirt $21.99 Irish Tux Shirt

Irish $10 Irish

Irish Sweatshirt $39.99 Let the world know that you're proudly Irish! Printed in the USA. 50% cotton / 50% polyester.

Personalized Irish Angel Ornament $6.99 An adorable angel and as Irish as can be! Resin. Imported.

Irish Attitude License Plate Cover $7.99 Irish Attitude License Plate Cover

Summer Fruit Preserve With Irish Whiskey $7.99 Summer Fruit Preserve With Irish Whiskey

Irish Whiskey Loaf $24.99 Ultra moist and delectable, this favorite Irish treat is filled with raisins, pecans, and real Irish whiskey. 17 oz. USA.

Irish Visor $21.99 What could say Irish more than this! Be noticed by all and have fun doing it! Cotton/polyester. One size fits most.

Green with Irish $10.99 These green with white shamrock socks show that you're Irish from the tip of your toes to your knees! Organic Cotton and Spandex. One size first most. USA.

Best Irish Folk Songs $10.99 These ever-popular songs include Danny Boy, When Irish Eyes Are Smiling, Black Velvet Band, and 17 other Irish favorites. Canada.

Musical Irish Dancer $29.99 This Irish lass will dance her way into your heart! Dressed in traditional Irish costume the 7? figurine is adorned with shamrocks and plays ?Irish Lullaby?. Please state name up to 24 characters. Poly Resin. Dancer must be screwed in counter clockwise to top of base.

Irish Limp T-Shirt $17.99 This famous Irish blessing captures cheeky Irish wit at its finest! Printed in USA. 100% cotton. Sizes S (35), M (38), L (43), XL (47), 2XL (50), 3XL (54).

Nostalgic Irish Blessing Thermometer $13.99 This distressed Irish designed tin thermometer would look great hanging anywhere. How appropriate that the three lines of the Irish Blessing all have to do with weather - wind, rain, and sun. Imported.

Irish Framed Print $32.99 This iconic Irish cottage print and God?s family blessing will warm your heart. A lovely gift for a special Irish friend or for yourself. Imported. 14 x 7? with polystone resin frame.

Irish Tin Whistle $9.99 Easy to play, this Irish-made tin whistle in the key of D lets you perform traditional Irish tunes instantly, even if you can't read music. Includes instructions and diagrammed sheet music.

Irish Diplomacy Plaque $14.99 Our handmade ceramic plaque perfectly captures the mischievous wit of the Irish. USA. 3 3/4 x 5 3/4.

Irish T-Shirt $14.99 Let the world know that you're proudly Irish! Printed in the USA. 50% cotton / 50% polyester.

Irish Flag Umbrella $29.99 What is needed more in the Spring but an umbrella! And this one shows your Irish pride. Auto open, 32? length, 39? open.

Irish Leprechaun Nut Cracker $39.99 Dressed in a velveteen cloak with ribbon and faux fur this 15 nutcracker is undeniably Irish right down to the last detail. Boxed. Imported.

Irish Fleece Gloves $18.99 Wear your Irish pride? and feel how comfortable and soft these gloves are. For men and women. Size Medium/Large.

Irish Whiskey Barbecue Sauce $11.99 Made with real Irish whiskey, this dark and thick barbecue sauce is also delicious as a dip. Product of Donegal, Ireland. 16 oz.

Creative Irish Gifts Gift Certificate $5 Creative Irish Gifts gift certificates are the perfect gift for that hard-to-buy-for Irish person! They come in several denominations and are redeemable on phone, mail-in or web orders.

Personalized Irish Society Plaque $59.99 A heartfelt guarantee of Irish hospitality! Handcrafted of heavy wood and printed in traditional Irish lettering, this sign is tailor-made for your family's good times. USA. Please state name. Shipped separately; allow 3-4 weeks. 24 X 11 1/2. We apologize this item can not be shipped outside the U.S.

Traditional Irish Turf $3.99 The aroma of peat perfectly captures the Irish countryside. 100% Irish turf comes from the famed bog lands of Ireland and is compressed in easy-to-use, long-lasting bricks. Burn alone or add to fireplace, wood stove, chimenea, or campfire. From Ireland.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 19th, 2007 at 4:03 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.